Supporting Children Through Grief and Loss: A guide for Parents and Schools

Written by Mariann Csoma

Talking to children about grief is an important part of supporting their emotional wellbeing, and it is never too early to begin these conversations. Grief is not only, or necessarily, experienced after a person has passed away; it is a natural response to loss in our lives, and one that can be felt from a very early age.

Children encounter many forms of loss as they grow. Moving to a new city or starting a new school, no longer seeing aclose friend, or saying goodbye to a class teacher can all bring feelings of sadness or uncertainty. Losing a favourite toy, or experiencing the death of a pet, can also be significant moments. For older children, loss may take the form of a relationship ending, a family separation, a loved one developing dementia, or reduced contact with someone who has moved into care. Each of these experiences involves letting go of a person, place or routine that once provided comfort and a sense of safety.

Even when change is positive and accompanied by excitement, such as moving to a new home, it can still be emotionally demanding. Children may feel a loss of control or miss the familiar elements that helped them feel secure. What may seem minor from an adult perspective can feel overwhelming in a child’s world, and may surface through signs of distress. Recognising this allows parents and schools to respond with empathy, understanding and appropriate support.

THE MANY WAYS CHILDREN GRIEVE

Grief can look and feel different for each person, with no single or predictable timeline. It is very personal and can vary depending on different factors that influence our ability to cope. When we talk about grief, we often refer to the well- known Kübler-Ross model, which describes the response to loss as a five-stage process: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is important to recognise that not all children will necessarily go through these stages. Their experience of grief will be greatly affected by factors such as their age, their stage of development, the type of relationship they had with the person they lost, and the circumstances surrounding the loss.

Young people, especially children, may find it difficult to verbalise their feelings, so parents need to be vigilant for other signs that may indicate their child is grieving. Rather than expressing their emotions through words, children often communicate their distress through changes in their behaviour, mood, and social interactions. They may feel physically unwell, such as experiencing headaches, stomach aches, or tiredness. Children can display a wide range of emotions during grief: they may show sadness or anger, or, conversely, appear quite neutral. Their appetite and sleeping patterns may be affected, and they may experience vivid dreams or nightmares.

Grief can also feel like an emotional rollercoaster. Children can have good days and bad days, and may experience particularly difficult moments around significant events, such as birthdays or anniversaries. Parents may notice their child seeming calm one day and deeply upset the next. These moments of happiness between waves of sorrow are often called “puddle jumping.”

GRIEF AND BEREAVEMENT ACROSS CHILDHOOD

Up to 4 years old

Toddlers and preschool children do not yet understand the concept of death, but they are able to sense a person’s absence and, more importantly, they tend to pick up on the distress of the people around them. From a very early age, they have a strong capacity to feel their parents’ emotions, even without understanding or naming them.

They may react to these changes by becoming withdrawn, having crying outbursts, or becoming more clingy. Some regression in toilet training and sleep routines may also be observed.

4–8 years old

Children in this age group gradually gain a greater understanding of death and

begin to learn that all living things will die at some point. They may appear shocked when a death occurs in the family and show very little reaction later on. Their distress often manifests through night terrors, difficulty sleeping, tearfulness, separation anxiety, repeated questioning, and an expectation that the person who has died will return.

9–12 years old

At this stage of development, children have the capacity to understand death more fully. They may ask specific questions about how and why the person died and whether it could have been prevented. As their understanding increases, stronger emotions may be triggered. At the same time, some children may avoid talking about the person who has died.

Teenagers

During adolescence, young people have a full understanding of death. This stage of life brings significant change, with young people exploring their identity, sense of self, and independence. During this period of vulnerability, they may respond to bereavement with intense emotions, a strong sense of unfairness, and feelings of overwhelm. They may display anger or frustration, or become more withdrawn.

How Parents Can Support a Grieving Child

Telling a child about the death of a loved one can be challenging. In an attempt to avoid causing distress or sadness, parents sometimes struggle to be direct and to have an honest conversation with their child.

Honest and clear communication

However, it is crucial not to underestimate children and to have age-appropriate

conversations with them, while avoiding euphemisms such as “we lost her” or “he is gone,” as children may misunderstand or lack the ability to interpret them. Any gaps in understanding are often filled with their own theories and ideas, many of which can be more frightening than reality.

Children also tend to blame themselves when something negative occurs within the family, so it is essential to reassure them that the loss is not their fault.

Communication with wider support network

It is highly recommended to inform the child’s school and any clubs they attend, as these can form part of the child’s wider circle of support.

Space for feelings

Creating a safe space for children to express their feelings and ask questions is very important. This helps them feel secure enough to gain more understanding of what has happened and supports them in processing the information and adjusting to the changes.

Routine and stability

Maintaining normal routines is also important, as this provides stability and reassurance from trusted adults while the child is grieving.

Memories and connection

A simple but powerful tool is a memory box. Children may develop a fear of forgetting the person who has died. Creating an object that holds meaningful items belonging to the deceased, such as photographs, jewellery, or drawings, allows the family to remain connected to the person and to their memories.

CREATING A SUPPORTIVE SCHOOL ENVIRONMENT FOR GRIEF

While grief may not always be openly expressed, its impact on a student’s wellbeing and school experience can be significant. This highlights the importance of a proactive and informed approach within educational settings. Part of this approach involves recognising potential indicators of distress, such as increased absences, difficulties with concentration, irritability, an increased need for attention, or withdrawal from peer groups.

Creating a grief-informed classroom culture starts at an early age and focuses on developing coping skills and awareness around loss and change. As a preventive approach, it is important to discuss these topics with students from a very early age, using age-appropriate language so that the subject does not become taboo. This allows children to become more self-aware and feel comfortable reaching out for help. Schools can also provide children with tools to navigate these difficult moments from an early stage.

Alongside a preventative and grief- informed approach, clear structures and policies are essential when a loss occurs. Having a bereavement policy allows the school community to respond appropriately when a loss occurs. Clear guidelines

for teachers help them feel confident in responding to events that affect individual students or the wider school community.

Small but practical actions, such as creating a safe space, offering flexible academic support, encouraging peer support, and providing counselling services, can help students feel supported and safe as they navigate their grief.

Originally published in International School Parents Magazine

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